Life is hard right now, and I will be honest I have made it hard for myself. I recently was talking to my mom and she made a good point, so I'm going to say it here now.
Everyone knows I don't want to be in Kentucky. It's not that it's not beautiful here. It's not that my kids haven't found their place here. My daughter is an amazing gymnast. My son is doing just fine in sports here. It's just me. My heart just can't seem to leave Oregon. BUT, I know God has a reason for me being here and I have to go with it.
I know it won't be forever, and I know I will be back in Oregon again someday, until then though I just have to make the most of this situation. Lets face it. I get to have a nicer house to live in. I get to receive my masters right here in the town I live in. I get a music room. Three things that I always have wanted but seem to not be able to grasp. Heavenly Father obviously answered my prayers. Not the way I thought that would be, but they were answered. So what am I complaining about?
Because of all the negativity I have put in my life, I am having a really hard time loving myself and being motivated to be the active, full of life person I used to be. I used to find joy in making a yummy treat healthy, or making yogurt and granola from scratch. I used to look at myself and see progress (partly because I was progressing). I have discovered how important it is to have a workout buddy that's on your level (or slightly above) to keep you going in the gym. I realized the other day while talking to a local bodybuilder that I miss the competition I always had with my bestie in the gym. She was always pushing me to be better. I wanted to lift as much as her so I really pushed myself to get there. We also had the same priorities, for the most part, and so everything was just easy with her. We spoke each others language and nothing was work when she was around.
For those from Kentucky reading this, it's not that your aren't my friends. I have appreciated every open arm, every invite, ever smile, compliment and more and I wouldn't be surviving this at all without any of you. I'm sure you would understand when I say it's really hard being away from your perfect match.
It's been so helpful that her and I are doing the same training for a race and it helps that my husband allowed me to run a $200+ race. I don't want to fail miserably so I need to train. This last week, everyday, Shayla and I text or call and talk about the workout. It's really helped push me to my limit. This has become my mantra in the gym when I'm getting tired. (The other day I ran for 60 minutes because of this running through my head.)
Everyone knows I don't want to be in Kentucky. It's not that it's not beautiful here. It's not that my kids haven't found their place here. My daughter is an amazing gymnast. My son is doing just fine in sports here. It's just me. My heart just can't seem to leave Oregon. BUT, I know God has a reason for me being here and I have to go with it.
Because of all the negativity I have put in my life, I am having a really hard time loving myself and being motivated to be the active, full of life person I used to be. I used to find joy in making a yummy treat healthy, or making yogurt and granola from scratch. I used to look at myself and see progress (partly because I was progressing). I have discovered how important it is to have a workout buddy that's on your level (or slightly above) to keep you going in the gym. I realized the other day while talking to a local bodybuilder that I miss the competition I always had with my bestie in the gym. She was always pushing me to be better. I wanted to lift as much as her so I really pushed myself to get there. We also had the same priorities, for the most part, and so everything was just easy with her. We spoke each others language and nothing was work when she was around.
For those from Kentucky reading this, it's not that your aren't my friends. I have appreciated every open arm, every invite, ever smile, compliment and more and I wouldn't be surviving this at all without any of you. I'm sure you would understand when I say it's really hard being away from your perfect match.
It's been so helpful that her and I are doing the same training for a race and it helps that my husband allowed me to run a $200+ race. I don't want to fail miserably so I need to train. This last week, everyday, Shayla and I text or call and talk about the workout. It's really helped push me to my limit. This has become my mantra in the gym when I'm getting tired. (The other day I ran for 60 minutes because of this running through my head.)
Because of my many struggles lately with motivation, self love, depression, anxiety, I printed off a whole bunch of quotes and taped them to my mirror, so that every morning I look in the mirror and see these quotes. I have to retrain myself. It won't be easy. Having depression and anxiety is not something that will just go away because I decided to make it go away for the day. It's not something I can shut off. It is something I have to live with and work on daily. It will always have me question my self worth and ability. It will always have me doubt my efforts and talents. It is my trial in life and while I hate it I am going to do everything in my power to keep it on the back burner and not let it destroy me.
With my best friend not in Kentucky and my fitness goals being different than those around me I have had to become my own motivation. This is really hard for me. I compare myself to everyone. I worry constantly about what people think, or say about me. That has always been my motivation but obviously that's not healthy and I am trying to change that while I am on the other side of the country. I still worry about it even here but hopefully I can learn to not let those little stares in the gym or little comments get to me.
With my best friend not in Kentucky and my fitness goals being different than those around me I have had to become my own motivation. This is really hard for me. I compare myself to everyone. I worry constantly about what people think, or say about me. That has always been my motivation but obviously that's not healthy and I am trying to change that while I am on the other side of the country. I still worry about it even here but hopefully I can learn to not let those little stares in the gym or little comments get to me.
Which leads to my next one. 
We all do this right? I walk into a gym full of 19 and 20 year olds and instantly look at myself and ask what happened? I told myself I would never get this big. I told myself I didn't understand how people let themselves "get fat." (I was young and I didn't ever say it out loud) I was a runner. I was always going to be a runner. I was going to have that running body that everyone always wanted. Well let me teach you something. As you get older things change. First, I have had three kids and to my surprise my body didn't do really well with having kids. With every child during pregnancy or shortly after I have had complications. Whether that was morning sickness, almost dying, or bleeding problems. These things leave permanent damage to the body and has resulted in other health complications that affect my activity in a day. Second, life happens. I went to college, and I didn't go to be a runner, I went to become a vocalist. Becoming a musician with a degree means you will eat, sleep, breath it. You will notice that most music majors either get married at the beginning of their degree (me) or the end. While in school there is little time to devote to the outside world. You live in the building in a practice room and on a special computer hooked to a keyboard for a special program to do your compositions. Going to college, fitness quickly became a second thought. The last is age. As you get older your body changes, your hormones change, your metabolism changes. What you could eat as a teen (a whole pizza) and not gain a pound is not the same as an adult. Learning how to eat differently as an adult can be hard. Especially in a world where we live with fast food and boxed food and conveniences that are similar. We all have to start somewhere. I have to remember that my bestie has been working out this way (heavy lifting) for years and I'm a newbie. My growth is going to come but i'm not going to get it over night and it might look different on me because my body is different then hers or anyone else in the gym.
I am learning to
I started to go to the gym when I was a teacher, and it was because I hated how fat I had gotten. I hated my body and I wanted to change it, so I started going to the gym. I have kept that mentality this whole time. I will admit there was a brief moment where this changed, but it was very brief. I came across this and realized I have to go to the gym because I love my body and myself and I want to improve it. I have been beautiful this whole time I just need to love it a little more.
We all do this right? I walk into a gym full of 19 and 20 year olds and instantly look at myself and ask what happened? I told myself I would never get this big. I told myself I didn't understand how people let themselves "get fat." (I was young and I didn't ever say it out loud) I was a runner. I was always going to be a runner. I was going to have that running body that everyone always wanted. Well let me teach you something. As you get older things change. First, I have had three kids and to my surprise my body didn't do really well with having kids. With every child during pregnancy or shortly after I have had complications. Whether that was morning sickness, almost dying, or bleeding problems. These things leave permanent damage to the body and has resulted in other health complications that affect my activity in a day. Second, life happens. I went to college, and I didn't go to be a runner, I went to become a vocalist. Becoming a musician with a degree means you will eat, sleep, breath it. You will notice that most music majors either get married at the beginning of their degree (me) or the end. While in school there is little time to devote to the outside world. You live in the building in a practice room and on a special computer hooked to a keyboard for a special program to do your compositions. Going to college, fitness quickly became a second thought. The last is age. As you get older your body changes, your hormones change, your metabolism changes. What you could eat as a teen (a whole pizza) and not gain a pound is not the same as an adult. Learning how to eat differently as an adult can be hard. Especially in a world where we live with fast food and boxed food and conveniences that are similar. We all have to start somewhere. I have to remember that my bestie has been working out this way (heavy lifting) for years and I'm a newbie. My growth is going to come but i'm not going to get it over night and it might look different on me because my body is different then hers or anyone else in the gym.
I am learning to
I started to go to the gym when I was a teacher, and it was because I hated how fat I had gotten. I hated my body and I wanted to change it, so I started going to the gym. I have kept that mentality this whole time. I will admit there was a brief moment where this changed, but it was very brief. I came across this and realized I have to go to the gym because I love my body and myself and I want to improve it. I have been beautiful this whole time I just need to love it a little more.
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